Small, beautiful things

A lovely woman I know has just come through treatment for breast cancer that included the removal of one breast and her lymph nodes. Her journey has been gruelling and exhausting, but she told me her daughter did a beautiful thing that made all the difference... She delivered a basket filled with small wrapped gifts to ease the boredom of a long hospital stay. Along with useful items and plenty of podcasts loaded onto an iPod, there were uplifting notes written by my friend's young grandchildren and rolled into miniature scrolls.

As well as being perfect for anyone going through a tough time with their health, this lovely gesture could be applied to many of the challenging scenarios we tend to find ourselves in. Looking back, I would have quite like to have received a 'You're Getting Divorced' gift basket filled with lots of chocolate, a self-help book or 10 and sage words written by my sweet and highly entertaining loved ones.

Pass it on. xxx

(Bitter)sweet 16

My eldest son turned 16 just over a month ago. He’s a lovely boy, easygoing and rock solid, with a wry sense of humour and a strong sense of self.

He is his Dad’s mirror image and has inherited some of X’s finer qualities, but is very much his own young man. I listen to the way he communicates with his mates and it’s clear that he knows how to be a good friend. According to my youngest son, he’s also a pretty cool big brother. 

He’s got a few good female friends but, as far as I know, there isn’t anyone special just yet. Right now he’s way too focused on learning to drive and building on his computer skills so he can follow his desired career path.

He’s got a plan. He’s sensible, trustworthy and even-tempered, and gives me not one ounce of grief. Needless to say, I adore him.

Looking at my boy so grown up and secure in himself has made me think about myself at the same age. I was living in the middle of the outback in a pretty chaotic environment, with alcoholism at its core. My parents were long divorced and my Mum and Stepfather were heading in the same direction. And to make things just a little more testing, I had recently had my first experience of heartbreak.

Along with nursing my aching heart, I spent a lot of my 16^th year fantasising about finishing school and escaping to the city to pursue my dream of being a writer. On weekends I had taken to sneaking out to the local clubs. I was restless and frustrated and wild at heart. I wanted to grow up way before I was ready to and left home way too young.

If I could give a piece of advice to the wide-eyed, small-town girl I once was, it would go something like this:

Stop being in such a hurry… Life unfolds soon enough and suddenly the years start passing at a rapid pace, to the point that you’ll actually want them to slow down.

When it comes to matters of the heart, trust that things will go exactly the way they are meant to and that your truest love will appear out of thin air, when you least expect him to. In the meantime, focus on the really important things – family, friends that will be there till the bitter end, work that makes you happy and travelling to all those faraway places you’ve always dreamed of.

And re the guy that just broke your heart, he will quickly pale into insignificance. His role is to deposit a good dose of resilience deep in your ventricles, to be drawn upon at a later date. When you encounter him again in 30 years’ time, it will be abundantly clear that you made an extremely lucky escape.

What divorce taught me about myself

This post was written for HuffPost Divorce – you can click through to the site here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-doust/what-divorce-taught-me-about-myself_b_7104468.html

We all know that some of life's greatest gifts come from completely unexpected sources. While having my ex-husband leave me for another woman ripped my world apart and temporarily brought me to my knees, it also gave me the opportunity to unearth life skills I didn't even know I had. Apart from the obvious truths to be learned from divorce – love can die, broken hearts can be mended and life goes on – here are five invaluable lessons I wasn't expecting to discover.

I Can Cope With Humiliation
There's no getting around the fact that being left for another woman is an extremely humiliating experience – not least of all because the one being cheated on is often the last to know. My own humiliation peaked when I realised that many of my husband's colleagues knew what was going on long before I did. I felt like a complete and utter idiot. Thankfully, that sinking feeling subsided after I talked to plenty of other people who had been cheated on, read everything about affairs I could get my hands on and understood that I wasn't alone in my oblivion.

I'm an Ultra-Tough Negotiator
When you share custody of young children, knowing how to negotiate is an absolute necessity. My ex and I separated when our two sons were aged seven and 16 months. With roughly 17 years of co-parenting ahead, I quickly determined that there would be a fair amount of negotiating along the way. By visiting a lawyer, I got clued up on my rights and from that point on I toughened up. In the nine years since, my ex and I have had to work our way through countless issues -- such as my decision to relocate over 100 kilometres away with our sons. Let's just say my negotiation skills have been honed, and I can definitely stand my ground when necessary.

Image via www.masonbullock.co.uk

I Know When to Compromise

Seeing the big picture can be challenging when you're in emotional turmoil, but it's another crucial skill to have when you're doing grown-up stuff – like settling property and entering into co-parenting arrangements. In the early days of my separation and subsequent divorce, I soon learned that being willing to compromise on some things would give me some bargaining power down the track. It's a skill my ex and I have both now mastered and graciously apply on a regular basis, especially when it comes to dividing up the school holidays and getting our sons from A to B on weekends.

I Have Zero Fear of Being Alone
Seventeen years is a significant amount of time to be with one person, and it made the concept of being single fairly challenging -- especially as I was aged 41, was freelancing and had two young children in tow. I got used to it though, largely thanks to applying the one-day-at-a-time approach and being able to call on my amazing family and friends around the clock. Now, I think it should be mandatory to spend plenty of time alone post divorce, coupled with regular counseling sessions, particularly in the initial phase. Retreating into my shell for a year and seeking counsel from a woman much wiser than I am gave me the chance to shine the spotlight on my life and where it was headed... something I definitely hadn't done in a ridiculously long time.

I Am Resilient
There's nothing quite like divorce to put your resilience levels to the test. But while resilience is something we all aspire to having, it can only be built by enduring something as personally devastating as the breakdown of a marriage. Even though it took me a long time to recover from my heartbreak, the experience has definitely given me inner reserves of strength and deepened my empathy. When the going gets tough, I know I'm capable of pushing through all obstacles. Plus, I love the fact that I never have to wonder if I can fend for myself and my children, recover from a relationship ending or find love again. These are things I unequivocally know I can do, which is profoundly comforting.